I got a note yesterday on Facebook from my friend who I haven't talked to in 1 year. She apologized to me for not noticing how I was doing during the time that both her father and my mother were dying. Honestly if I hadn't been so stressed out myself I probably wouldn't have written back to her the way I did. I need to respond to her note but I'm taking a day or two to think about what and how I want to say it.
Gus, our yellow lab died a few weeks ago from kidney failure, he was only six. He was also blind in one eye and had started going blind in the other eye. Some days more than others, I wish I had a magic wand. He was such a sweet soul and didn't deserve that. I have to remind myself that life isn't fair, it just is but some years, months, days really suck. And then I laugh at my coon hound mix, Jackie who's giving me sh*t for something and I can't speak hound and she can't speak English but she can talk and expresses herself quite well. We adopted a Basset Hound (I must love being talked to) who is 9 years old named Homer who has two speeds, off and slow. I do mean slooooooooow. He has a wonderful bay like his new sister and the same streak of "let me think about what you want me to do and I'll get back to you". I love hounds and I love attitude.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Ending A Friendship
I’m writing today because I ended a twenty-five year friendship last summer. I didn’t end it well and I didn’t end it kindly, I just quit talking to my friend.
It started out because I was so angry that I thought I shouldn’t say anything that would hurt her. We had been talking about volunteering, which we both do and which we have talked about for about 6 years. I’ve been a Master Gardener, I also volunteer for a food program and she asked me what I did. Now this is someone whom I have talked to everyday and sometimes several times a day and she had never paid enough attention to what I was saying to know those things. It floored me, it was like the relationship dynamics became crystal clear, I gave and she took. I was her free counselor; she’d call me up when she was anxious, or upset, or being walked on by her family. Yes friends do that for each other but when I would want to talk about my stuff (I have some pretty serious health issues) she’d tell me she didn’t want to talk about it. Actually she never wanted to talk about anything in depth or actually do anything different.
It’s funny we had a break in our relationship about 20 years ago and I really missed her. I don’t miss her today. I wonder how she is. She was in the hospital for mental health issues, I’m sorry that she has those problems but I don’t want to be the friend that she calls several times a day to get through the day. I don’t want to hear about how she’s cutting herself or thinking about suicide, I’ve had twenty or more years of that, I can’t take any more.
I know some of what I’m feeling is “if only you would do what I think you should do then you’d be all right” and that’s wrong, everybody has their own stuff that they have to do. I am also very burned out and that’s my stuff not hers. I wish I could have done things differently, I’m sure what I did hurt her but I just couldn’t anymore. If there is a next time with someone, maybe I’ll not take on the role of a caretaker, maybe I won’t think I can save them. No, I have to take maybe out of my vocabulary and really pay attention to that slippery slope of wanting to save the world. I can only make my little corner of it a little better.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Mom
Last month my mother died. I was there when my mom died, I was glad that she wasn't alone and that it was peaceful. She just stopped breathing. Kind of like when you take in a big breath and sigh for a moment and then it's over. We fought like cats and dogs most of our lives together but there was about 10 years when we were both sober and before her dementia really got bad, that we were friends. What a miracle.
She was an interesting and friendly woman, she traveled, she expressed her opinion without fear (one reason we didn't get along as I expressed myself right back), she was smart and she genuinely loved the planet and the environment that we live in. She was a lifelong Democrat, my parents brought me up to believe that everyone deserved a warm, dry place to live, enough food to eat, clothes to wear, education, freedom of expression and healthcare.
I'm not sure that she knew how involved I am with the Master Gardeners Program or that I finally got volunteering as a way to make the changes that I believe in. I hope so.
It was hell watching her die inch by inch as her memory and personality went away. It was hell for her too, she was fiercely independent and long after she lost the ability to walk she insisted she could and tried occasionally to do so. I miss her. I miss her insistence on being treated as a person. I know that sounds strange but in a nursing home-even a good one-the staff and yes, family too, forget that the people who live there are people, not patients (or the politically correct term -residents). Personally I hope I'm dead before I have to share a room with some stranger and have a well-meaning 20 something coming in and checking my diaper. My mom was great, even when the dementia was bad she would occasionally refuse things just because she could. I'm sorry it took so long for her to go, 6 years is a long time to sit around. After she couldn't walk and couldn't read she was pretty depressed and the medical response to that is medication. I don't really think it helped.
I'm a Buddhist and not a very good one because I'm not sure about reincarnation but I do know that she is no longer in pain or in fear. I read somewhere that as long there are people to remember you, you are still around- so maybe if someone writes about you, you're around longer. I'm glad I had the opportunity to know my mother, my life is better for it. As hard as it was for me to admit it we were a lot alike and until I saw that I wasn't able to love her or myself. I love and miss you mom.
She was an interesting and friendly woman, she traveled, she expressed her opinion without fear (one reason we didn't get along as I expressed myself right back), she was smart and she genuinely loved the planet and the environment that we live in. She was a lifelong Democrat, my parents brought me up to believe that everyone deserved a warm, dry place to live, enough food to eat, clothes to wear, education, freedom of expression and healthcare.
I'm not sure that she knew how involved I am with the Master Gardeners Program or that I finally got volunteering as a way to make the changes that I believe in. I hope so.
It was hell watching her die inch by inch as her memory and personality went away. It was hell for her too, she was fiercely independent and long after she lost the ability to walk she insisted she could and tried occasionally to do so. I miss her. I miss her insistence on being treated as a person. I know that sounds strange but in a nursing home-even a good one-the staff and yes, family too, forget that the people who live there are people, not patients (or the politically correct term -residents). Personally I hope I'm dead before I have to share a room with some stranger and have a well-meaning 20 something coming in and checking my diaper. My mom was great, even when the dementia was bad she would occasionally refuse things just because she could. I'm sorry it took so long for her to go, 6 years is a long time to sit around. After she couldn't walk and couldn't read she was pretty depressed and the medical response to that is medication. I don't really think it helped.
I'm a Buddhist and not a very good one because I'm not sure about reincarnation but I do know that she is no longer in pain or in fear. I read somewhere that as long there are people to remember you, you are still around- so maybe if someone writes about you, you're around longer. I'm glad I had the opportunity to know my mother, my life is better for it. As hard as it was for me to admit it we were a lot alike and until I saw that I wasn't able to love her or myself. I love and miss you mom.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Change
Yesterday we put Mike, our collie mix, to sleep. I knew that I loved him I just didn't know how much I would miss him. I woke up this morning thinking that I heard him whimper downstairs, that was his cue to let me know (usually at 4 or 5 am) that he had to go out. Of course it wasn't him so I resisted the urge to go check on him but it was hard not to run downstairs to help him up and out the door.
What a sweet dog, he was my shadow when we took walks and he liked to lay right next to my chair when I was at the computer and occasionally bump my elbow when I was typing. He was almost 15 years old and I like to think he had a good life with us. We got him when he was about 6 or 7 weeks old and he had that puppy intensity (which eventually goes away) and that collie intensity (which never goes away). He loved us, all he wanted to do was to be with us. The day before he died, he could hardly get up by himself, I was taking Jackie (hound mix) to the dog park and he was struggling to get up so he could go with us.
He was fun to be with, loved sticks, balls, water, really anything that involved play. You could throw a ball for hours and he would chase it and bring it back over and over. There is an event here in Eau Claire at the Fairfax Pool, a dog swim, and two years ago we went for the first time and Mike never left the water in two hours. It was like he couldn't believe there were that many balls in the world. Jackie, of course, went looking for food but that's another story.
Jackie is a little subdued, I wish I could get inside her head and tell her what's going on. I think she's knows Mike is gone, like not here, but death? I know death is final but like Temple Grandin from the movie about her life when she asks "Where do they go?". I wish I knew.
What a sweet dog, he was my shadow when we took walks and he liked to lay right next to my chair when I was at the computer and occasionally bump my elbow when I was typing. He was almost 15 years old and I like to think he had a good life with us. We got him when he was about 6 or 7 weeks old and he had that puppy intensity (which eventually goes away) and that collie intensity (which never goes away). He loved us, all he wanted to do was to be with us. The day before he died, he could hardly get up by himself, I was taking Jackie (hound mix) to the dog park and he was struggling to get up so he could go with us.
He was fun to be with, loved sticks, balls, water, really anything that involved play. You could throw a ball for hours and he would chase it and bring it back over and over. There is an event here in Eau Claire at the Fairfax Pool, a dog swim, and two years ago we went for the first time and Mike never left the water in two hours. It was like he couldn't believe there were that many balls in the world. Jackie, of course, went looking for food but that's another story.
Jackie is a little subdued, I wish I could get inside her head and tell her what's going on. I think she's knows Mike is gone, like not here, but death? I know death is final but like Temple Grandin from the movie about her life when she asks "Where do they go?". I wish I knew.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
New Video Game System
We finally broke down and bought a new video game system after putting it off waiting for prices to go down. We bought a refurbished Wii which works perfectly. Now I can play all my favorite games-Super Mario Brothers. Really it's kind of a time suck, I mean, how many computer/video game systems do two people really need?
I've been using it as a reward in between homework and all the other things in my life-dogs, cats, husband, exercise (although the Wii helps with that).
I found a great tutorial/forum/general resource for programming the other day, DreamInCode http://www.dreamincode.net, it's got a lot of information on it for several programming languages. I love programmers, it's such a great community of people, most everyone I've met or read on the web is very willing to share knowledge and give suggestions for coding. I struggle with coding, it's not natural for me so I just keep working it until I get it right. I'm sure that the more I do the better I will get.
Well that's all I've got for right now. This should be fun.
I've been using it as a reward in between homework and all the other things in my life-dogs, cats, husband, exercise (although the Wii helps with that).
I found a great tutorial/forum/general resource for programming the other day, DreamInCode http://www.dreamincode.net, it's got a lot of information on it for several programming languages. I love programmers, it's such a great community of people, most everyone I've met or read on the web is very willing to share knowledge and give suggestions for coding. I struggle with coding, it's not natural for me so I just keep working it until I get it right. I'm sure that the more I do the better I will get.
Well that's all I've got for right now. This should be fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)