Ending A Friendship

I’m writing today because I ended a twenty-five year friendship last summer.  I didn’t end it well and I didn’t end it kindly, I just quit talking to my friend.  

It started out because I was so angry that I thought I shouldn’t say anything that would hurt her.  We had been talking about volunteering, which we both do and which we have talked about for about 6 years.  I’ve been a Master Gardener, I also volunteer for a food program and she asked me what I did.  Now this is someone whom I have talked to everyday and sometimes several times a day and she had never paid enough attention to what I was saying to know those things.  It floored me, it was like the relationship dynamics became crystal clear, I gave and she took.  I was her free counselor; she’d call me up when she was anxious, or upset, or being walked on by her family.  Yes friends do that for each other but when I would want to talk about my stuff (I have some pretty serious health issues) she’d tell me she didn’t want to talk about it.  Actually she never wanted to talk about anything in depth or actually do anything different.  

It’s funny we had a break in our relationship about 20 years ago and I really missed her.  I don’t miss her today.  I wonder how she is.  She was in the hospital for mental health issues, I’m sorry that she has those problems but I don’t want to be the friend that she calls several times a day to get through the day.  I don’t want to hear about how she’s cutting herself or thinking about suicide, I’ve had twenty or more years of that, I can’t take any more.  

I know some of what I’m feeling is “if only you would do what I think you should do then you’d be all right” and that’s wrong, everybody has their own stuff that they have to do.  I am also very burned out and that’s my stuff not hers.  I wish I could have done things differently, I’m sure what I did hurt her but I just couldn’t anymore. If there is a next time with someone, maybe I’ll not take on the role of a caretaker, maybe I won’t think I can save them.  No, I have to take maybe out of my vocabulary and really pay attention to that slippery slope of wanting to save the world.  I can only make my little corner of it a little better.